The Chicago/salsa/moving chronicles

Holy cow I feel like I've been home for months! In fact its been 2 weeks... Here are some highlights of the great times I've had since being back. Check out Elizabeth being surprised by our appearance in Chicago... Karla's "dinner" which was bigger than her head. For the most part, it was whipped cream though.













My new super sexy power shoes which give me 4 inches. I hear you're only supposed to wear 2 inch heels for interviews but I don't care, they are hot.

And now some photos from our moving experience. Clearly a Toyota Tercel is the best choice for moving vehicle. It just has such a super huge capacity. That is my roomie Nicole behind the cage of papasan footstools.











And now to recount the drama that Karla experienced on moving day. She was loading her car with really well packed (ha) paperbags full of stuff while I was in the house. I heard a scream but never thought it would be Karla. She ran into the house and called for me and proceeded to tell me that there was a squirrel in the car. I said wait let me get my camera... and then ran out to the car hoping to get some good squirrel in car shots. Unfortunately I only got the tail end of this guy running away with none other than... get ready for it... a package of peanut butter crackers. It was the greatest thing I had seen in a long long time. All the cool stuff happens to Karla

Moving is fun. Here are some more super photos: our sleeping arrangement for two nights in Karlas room, the only room in the house with carpet. Also something fun that I found under my computer desk while sitting on the floor and typing due to the lack of chairs in the house.

Also a couple of pictures to illustrate what hard work salsa dancing is. Karla is showing off her dancing wounds, open blisters. And also shown here is the tragedy that is my dancing shoe. These shoes have faithfully served me for the past year and a half as a salsa dancing shoe. I am rather impressed by them because they had served as all purpose dress shoe for 3 years prior to that. I am currently contemplating if I should bring them to the cobbler for some heavy duty glue or just shitcan em... ah the dilemna.

Did ya know I'm home?

Hello, delinquent blogger here...

So Senegal... I am in a current state of apathy, its rather unexplainable. Today was the first day that I showed anyone my pictures from Senegal. I really have had no desire to really talk about it, cook anything, I even brought cookies from there and then couldnt even eat the whole bag... bizzarre. I would also like to clear something up. Contrary to popular belief I did not hate Senegal. I have been told that my blog was overwhelmingly negative. Maybe its just my occassional glass is half empty personality or maybe its just that its sometimes easier to point out negative aspects. I dont know. But I didnt hate it. But I would also say that I dont know yet if I loved it. I feel really badly saying that. I feel really ungrateful and unappreciative and almost like I've failed somehow when I'm not missing it terribly because it seems like everyone who comes home from study abroad experiences just rave about them. I think it was just the fact that toward the end there I was getting a bit tired of it and now it is just sort of an adjustment period... when I figure it out myself I'll let ya know.

Ive been home from Senegal for the past almost two weeks now... I guess I should have had a culminating blog from Senegal saying something like "Christie here signing out" but nope nothing sorry. So I've had it on my to-do list for about a week now to update my blog so here I am taking a break from packing to write this. We are moving from the good ole duplex which has served us oh so well for the past 2 years and 3 months to our new "lake home." This is what we lovingly call it because when you think lake home you probably dont think of 80's style fake wood paneling and holes in the wall (atleast just in my room, huge hole in the wall, it adds character/reduces privacy, am currently working on a solution to that problem) but its a classy joint. You should come over and check it out. But it is across the street from Lake Como and right next to the park so we have a huge yard :) Also right on the 3 bus line which is such a treat for the winter time :) So yes we are moving... oh joy. I am currently sitting on the floor with my keyboard while my monitor is still on my desk because yes there is not a chair to be found in the house. I was using a cooler a while ago but I brought that downstairs and now am too lazy to go and get it... More on the new lake estate very very soon. Ciao ciao

I've had malaria, how about you? Are you jealous?

Clearly dont be. while my symptoms could have been a lot worse, I still felt like I was hit by a truck! Its interesting that the way folks talk about malaria (or pali or paludisme here) it seems like a huge deal when in actuality it really isnt here. Its like having the flu. My little brother actually had it last week. Its only serious when it is diagnosed too late or misdiagnosed or if the people are malnourished or dont take the meds properly. I always hope for a really shocked reaction when I tell people here I have it but i get no sympathy whatsoever here! Its just that common. People actually laugh more often. I was diagnosed once again by the doctor/niece who lives right around the corner... so useful! But I am certainly in very very good hands with my mother. When I told her i had a fever she was on top of it.

Initially myself I was really worried. Once again I came up with 10 different scenarios of what illness I could have and how Id be on the next plane home. But I really dramatized the whole situation once again. But it really was scary. I havent been this sick for years (even though itsnot that bad) I cant remember the last time i had a fever, or malaria for that matter. The hardest thing about being sick here is just that its not home. At home I know how pretty much everything medical functions, at least on a basic level. But here I was completely at the hands of relative strangers. All I wanted was some comfort food sprite (which they actually do have but which I substituted with jus de madd a fabulous juice from a fruit found here) and chicken noodle soup (or DQ) but instead I got (and promptly refused to eat) random fish parts which were unidentifiable, thus inedible, to me smothered in a bbq looking sauce. So i settled for the next best comfort food at my disposal, a baguette smothered in chocolate sauce. But what i think I wanted most was physical affection. I am starved for it here! All I wanted was a hug man! My mom did give me a kiss htis morning after I ate her prescribed malaria diet of eggs, bread, and milk. I really see a lack of physical affection around here (except for wmong infants and small children) not only in the street but in the house too (my house could always be the exception but I doubt it). I need hugs and kisses when I come home!!!

Who knew that could happen?

You know how when you wake up in the middle of the night and you are still 75 percent asleep everything is a hundred times worse than during normal waking hours. Yeah that was last night. Within the past 8 weeks I have been relatively illness free (knock on wood) but by the time I fell asleep again I had concocted atleast 10 different ideas about what illness I may have and was pretty convinced that the next day I would go to the doctor, find out I have apendicitis or an intestinal torsion, and have to be on the next flight to the US for emergency surgery. Especially since returning from Linguere where who knows what different types of little creatures could have invaded me. Turns out, according to everyone Ive spoken too, including my house mothers niece the doctor who lives around the corner (how convenient!! Eli when we live in the commune I cant wait for when Im sick to be able to go to the hut next door and knock on the door, or rather pull back the burlap sack door, and have you diagnose me) I have a condition which is brought on by none other than... the fan. (yet another public service announcement for air conditioning) Who knew that could happen? Apparently if you sleep uncovered with the fan blowing on you continually, which is necessary in my oven of a bedroom, you can get what I have. Essentially it feels like a really bad sideache from running but it just continued to spread into my chest and back and it felt like something with my lungs. My mother said the same thing happens to her feet! From what Ive seen about medicine around here, I was slightly suspicious but everyone has confirmed the fact that this condition exists and it seems that everyone has had it. I was prescribed an antiinflammatory cream and told it will go away in 2 to 3 days. Interesting...

"Are you staying in a hotel?" - Mommy

I really wish I had a digital picture of where I stayed this weekend when I went to Linguere. My mom asked me if I would be staying in a hotel in the village... the place I stayed essentially couldnt have been farther from a hotel but I must say that even as primitive as it was, it was fabulous. I have truly seen two completely different sides of Africa and I am so grateful for the opportunity. It was thusfar the most beneficial and impactful part of my stay here in Senegal.

So Ablay, my translator, traveling companion, and all around life-saver, and I set out at 5:30 on Friday morning complete with 20 liters of water and my huge hiking bag prepared for up to two weeks in the village. Our travels to Linguere were uneventful (with the exception of the charette, the Linguere equivalent of the taxi, a horse drawn cart ride from the car garage to the office where we were to meet our contact). Imagine what a sight that must have been, the white woman riding through town on the horsedrawn cart. We met our contact Anne, a Lutheran missionary who runs a primary care clinic there. We bought gifts for the chief of Touba Linguere, the village where I would be conducting my research, which included 10 kilos of rice, two kilos of sugar, tea, and mangos and we then set out. Even the trip to the village was astounding to me. The village was 23 km from Linguere and we were took a Land Rover and followed a series of "roads" in the maze of sand paths to the village. I was stunned at their ability to find the village as there were absolutely no signs or obvious landmarks to speak of.

I dont know what I was expecting in the village but what I found were very ordinary Senegalese. I did not see one loin cloth, plate through ears or lips, nor bones through noses, nor weapons to speak of. I have just dispelled a common misconception about African villages. While Im sure these things could be found elsewhere, they were not in Touba Linguere. What I found in Touba Linguere were GENUINELY hospitable people who had no agenda in their hospitality as I have often found in Dakar. Ablay and I were to stay with the village chief. His household consisted of about 20 people enclosed within a fence of straw were a number of straw, cement, and clay huts. I kept my belongings in a clay hut with a straw roof but slept each night on a traditional bed outside under the most beautiful stars I have ever seen in my life. Never before have I seen so many stars. It was glorious! Not to worry about mosquitos though because I had triple protection. I lit this thing which creates smoke to keep the mosquitos away, had my bug repellant on, and literally slept wrapped in my mousticaire (mosquito net). Did I mention that there was no electricity at all? I guess thats not much different from here in Dakar as the power is out 50 percent of the time! They did have semi modern "bathroom" facilities as they had a well and a hole in the ground which served not only as a toilet but as a place to shower. Very convenient!

The mornings were probably my favorite. Woke up to typical farm sounds, horses, women pounding millet (a grain) in a huge mortar and pestle type thing, babies crying. The donkey continues to be my favorite farm sound. Was also treated to the beautiful sunrises every day on my walk to the bathroom :)

Ablay was so so so helpful. I didnt even know how to ask where to go to the bathroom and then when I did find out, it was not a setup that I was accustomed to (essentially 3 3/4 of straw walls and a long concrete slab to stand on. He was especially useful when it came time to eating, everything was 10 times more difficult than usual (especially at night with no light) and there was always the problem of the sand. My neighbors here in Dakar asked me what I ate there and got a big kick when I tell them "cere, mewe, ak suuf" cous cous, milk, and sand which was the truth. As an example of my incompetence: the first night they gave us a big bowl of cous cous, two packets of powdered milk, a sauce, and a cup. Now what the heck am I supposed to do with this? Without Ly I would have been completely lost! Each night the couscous (a grain cereal sort of thing) would go into my milk with sugar (strange I know) complete with sand. In a semidesertified area its unavoidable! Most Dakarois (people who live in Dakar) cant even fathom going to a place like this. Im trying to htink of what it would be akin to in the US but I really dont know that there are any areas as underdevelped as this one. Each morning I drank hot powdered milk into which I would put Biscuit, these little graham cracker type cookies, which actually was really delighful. In Dakar I eat a baguette in my hot powdered milk each morning so it wasnt so different. For lunch each day we got two huge bowls of ceebu gen (fish and rice) which was enough for 6 people literally. We werent sure where the second bowl came from because the two dishes were prepared differently. We assumed that the father had two wives. It wasnt until after the second days lunch that we found out that the neighbor had been sending the second bowl of food for us. No one had even told us. It was so so kind of him!

I used to think sometimes that many of the Senegalese were lazy, yes I know thats judgemental and mean of me but I see many examples of it, especially of the majority of women in my neighborhood. However, I think they just really know how to appreciate and enjoy life. But in comparison to life of Americans it is easy for me to say thaty they are lazy just because we are so accustomed to going going going going and we hardly take time to enjoy life and appreciate it. Each afternoon after lunch we would take a little siesta (little meaning 2-3 hours). Esssentially, they threw down some burlap sacks and some plastic chairs and benches under a huge tree in the yard and sat around to chat, nap, relax and drink tea. Let me tell ya, I could really get used to that. Drink tea, nap a bit, wake up, drink round two of tea, nap some more, wake up to see a chicken walk by my head, wake up to see two guys carrying by the horns a freshly chopped off cow head by me (no joke!), and round 3 of tea (there are always three cups of tea) Apparently such is life in the village.

There was the problem of transportation from Touba Linguere back to Linguere when we were finished with our work. There was an almost complete lack of cars, thus the only option was the caleche (horse or donkey drawn cart). However, people left for town on these only on Monday and Friday. Thus we determined that we would finish our work before monday, that left us two days to interview 30 people.

Onto the research. We had a lot of work to do in two days. We had 30 interviews to conduct. The village consisted of 53 borom ker's, or heads of the house, mostly centralized in one are but with 10 or so scattered up to 3 km from the village. Everyone that we met with was so welcoming and willing to talk with us. The reason that I say that this was my most profound experience is becaus it was here that I experienced what I came here to expereience. I was actually doing the stuff that I came here to do and learn about, why africans arent accessing health care and just how grave it is. You can read about it all you want but until you see a 5 year old boy with cavities in every tooth that hurt so bad he can hardly eat and his family doesnt have money to bring him to the dentist and you want to cry it really hits you. Probably 75% of the people had problems with oral health and even more had never once visited a dentist. There were a number of people who had no clue even where they could get oral care even though there is a dental clinic in the hospital in Linguere. While I havent looked into the situation enough or the possibilities I really dont see why there couldnt be some sort of mobile clinic which traveled around to remote villages to provide oral health care. One of the most stated reasons for not receiving care is the distance to Linguere. Mark my words: it is my goal to see a mobile clinic put in place!!

I had many firsts this weekend! I received as a gift my first ever live chicken! How cool is that! However, I chose not to take it with me back to Dakar and left it with my host. Potentially one of the coolest parts of my time there was my transport out of the village back to Linguere. We were up at 4:30 am in order to pack and get onto the caleche (the horse drawn cart) at 5 in the pitch black. On the road we had nothing but the stars and a flashlight to lead the way. There were many times this weekend when I sort of stopped and took myself out of the situation and thought what the heck am I doing here and how did I get here? It was so so cool. Not many people can say they have watched an African sunrise while riding on a horsecart! Fabulous!

Trip back to Dakar was relatively uneventful. However I have decided that I should never ever complain about anything again, especially in the US. We took two 7 place station wagons and each time I was in the back seat riding bitch in the middle. Brutal! Not to complain like I just said I would never do again but it was hoooooottttt, completely uncomfortable, I was hungry, tired and thirsty. However there was a man in the front seat who really looked like he was very close to death who was on his way to the hospital in Dakar with his three companions. Unfortunately for this poor man the car broke down just outside of Dakar and we were stuck there for an extra 2 hours. This poor man crawled out of the car and spent these two hours lying in the shade of a filthy corner. I can hardly think of anything worse! After nearly 12 hours of travel I arrived back at home (its crazy for me to think that I call my place in Dakar home but it really is homey, I love it!) Even after 12 hours of sleep on Monday night spent all day Tuesday recovering because turns out my weekend was actually a bit stressful for my body! Go figure!

Ciao ciao y'all! Bissous

Man Seynabou Ndiaye laa tudd

Check it out, its my Senegalese name. This is what everyone in my neighborhood knows me by and calls me, Nabou for short :)

Whoo so many things have been going on here and I have been a delinquent blogger! I apologize! One, I am so happy right now bcause I just bought 5 new cds and am listening to some mbalax right now at the cybercafe and I never get to listen to music at home. That was the biggest mistake that I made; not bringing a cd player or my ipod. boo! oh well. Gosh so where to begin...

One we have been without electricity for almost two straight days now and its damn hot here with no fans!

On the research front everything is going rather well. My house mother commissioned a guy who lives next to us to help me out with finding people for my surveys. He has been very very helpful for me! He is also coming to Linguere with me to work with my rural population because we will be giong to a Wolof village where no one speaks French. Im pretty excited about this because it will make my life 100 percent easier because he essentially alwyas knows whats going on and can handle everything. I am still in turmoil as to how much to pay him because it is not at all analagous to the US. A maid for example can make 20000 cfa (40 dollars) per MONTH and the guy I know who works at the telecentre makes only 60000 (120 dollars) per Month! But lets be honest, Abdoulaye will be essentially doing most of the work for me and Ill be taking notes! I was advised by my host brother who is a journalist that hwhen he is on location he makes 7000 cfa (14 dollars) per day. We will see. Also the fact that Abdoulaye is available to me at essentially any time to help me with my research and to leave for the bush for an indeterminate amount of time (up to 3 weeks) is astounding to me. This seems to be pretty common amongst many people because they dont work. But it is very convenient for me. I would say that 50 percent of the people that I have suveyed thus far dont work and there are countless people (mostley women) in my neighborhood who seem to do nothing but sit around and shoot the shit and eat fruit all day long. Its very curious to me. Of course there is the problem of a sever lack of jobs here but there has to be more to it.

So long story short; Im going to a village near Linguere next week at some point and will most likely not even have phone connection and of course no internet and I hope to be there for as little time as possible which could end up being up to 3 weeks but its hard to say.

Also have had some interesting experiences during interviews. I went into a house with 4 womena nd interviewed just one but the rest were listening. One woman wanted to know what I was doing my research for and I told her and she said that she hoped they would see the outcome of the work and I said I would try to transmit it somehow and another woman said something to the extent of "promises, always promises." I was really put off and saddened by this comment because what she said was true I think and I didnt want to be one of those people because I want rally badly for what I do here to not be in vain. So I told her thatI couldnt promise anything of course but I would try. So initially I guess I took this a bit personally buecause I have been struggling myself with this issue of how it can be useful to the people that I interview. But in the end I have realized that it was probably her just expressing frustration about how things generally go in Africa in general because a couple of days later they invitd me over for lunch.

Also I had a few interviews with women that we met on the street essentially who were laundry washers and vendors and it really reaffirmed the reason that I am doing this research. When you are in Dakar and seeing poverty and despair all around you can sometimes over look it (and sometimes you have to overlook it because if you dwell on it you would go crazy with sadness). But talking to these women realy forced me to look at the reality of real people. There was one woman who was missing 8 teeth and oculdnt gt anything done because she needed a complete prosthesis but of course couldnt afford it because it cost 130 dollars and she probably makes just enough money to feed herself. And I though to myself that I have that 130 dollars in my room for me to go out and buy uselesss things that I dont need. It reaffirmed my desire to try to help in any way possibe. I was happy to atleast be able to give away the toothpaste that I had brough with me. I would say that 80 percent of the people that I talk to have untreated oral problems.

So some other fun non research stuff, I went to a baptism. Essentially it was organized chaos but it was pretty cool. I wore a booboo (the womans traditional outfit) complete with fulaar (the headscarf) I dont have any digital pics but needless to say it was hilarious! At the baptism they had a big tent and chairs with a dj playing mbalax and sabar music. When we arrived they were in the process of feeding everyone. We went up to the 3rd floor of this house and on each floor it was packed with people. There were probably 8 people gathered around each bowl eating lunch. I estimate that there were 100 people there and I was told that this was asmall gathering because it was only the 3rd baby and the first baby there would be 10 times as many people! I couldnt imagine having more people there. For baptisms of Muslims they wait until the 7th day and that is the day that the baby is named and his head is shaved (Im not sure why actually, should have asked)

My next fabulous cultural experience was when we had tamtams (drums) in the street in front of our house. Apparently this doesnt happen very often so I was very lucky to have been here for it! Essentially all of the women in the neighborhood get dressed up as if they are going to prom and sit in chairs in a circle with something like 10 drums at one end and then dance. It was quite a spectacle. Yes and yours truly did her Americanized version of the sabar complete with bubu and fulaar. I was literally the talk of the neighborhood. Apparently they dont see white folks shakin their tail feather/ass too often. Note pictures of the street in front of my home complete with sheep and drums (I liveon the left) people actually dancing the sabar and me attempting. Ive got some pretty sweet dancing videos and videos of Dakar but I cant figure out a way to upload them unfortunately. Ciao ciao!

"Every day in Dakar is like a punch in the face" the remix

(I was seconds away from finishing and saving my huge blog when the power went out (thus this is the new and improved and slightly pissed off version). That will teach me!)

While I am generally loving my time here in Dakar and am learning so much each and every day, it is very difficult. Yesterday for example, I was suppposed to meetw ith a guy at 9 and he didnt end up showing up until 10:30 which wasnt a very big deal and he was very very generous with my time. But I had told him that I wanted to meet with a traditional healer (someone who uses plants, prayers, etc for healing). Thus I thought thta that is who I would be going to meet. Turns out he took me to a rahter shady neighborhood in Dakar to meet with a man who made fake silver teeth for people... not exactly a traditional healer. While this experience ended up being very useful because it showed me an aspect of Senegalese "dentistry" that I had not been familiar with, I hadnt exactly prepared for that and essentially had no idea what to ask him... uh can you chew with them, how much do they cost? naw I came up with some better questions but I dont like to be unprepared like that. Its always intersting what one asks for and what one actually recieves here. So this same day it was approaching 12:30 and I was starving, thirsty, tired of walking in the midday sun, pissed off about the huge blister from my crappy sandal and sand combination, and tired of trying to understand French (because you see its not yet second nature) and I had just had enough yesterday. Dakar gave me a good swift kick in the butt.

"Every day in Dakar is like a punch in the face" - Stephanie, TX

This was the quote of the week from my friend Stephanie who accompanied me to the most beautiful place on earth this weekend, Saly-Portugal. I could go on and on about the best aspects of this place. It was a 5 star hotel 1 1/2 hours south of Dakar and had the second best beaches in all of Senegal and only cost 72 dollars which included a 3 room suite and 3 3 course meals. This is the place where European toursist come for vacation. They fly into Dakar and go straight to Saly. Ill keep my list of faboulosu things about this place brief (oddly enough many of them wouldnt seem that great back home): a toilet that i wasnt afraid to sit on, bath tub, hot shower, blow dryer, beautfiul huge bed, private beach and pool where we didnt have to worry about theft, pool boys who brought us fruity girly drinks, nutella crepes next to the pool, AIR CONDITIONING, no vendors hasseling me, etc etc etc. It was the most romantic weekend I have every had with another woman and I have never pampered myself so much. It was a beautiful thing and I did not want to leave at all! (check out the website for more beauty)

The only things that I had to worry about this weekend was getting rid of my tan lines (which I accomplished thank you very much) and what dessert I wanted to eat with lunch and dinner. If I would have taken the patissier's (the guy who makes all of the hotels pasteries) offer to return and stay in a room for free I could probably have had many more of these delish desserts. Unfortunately I worry about the strings attached to a request like that so I turned him down.

Stephanie and I met the beach boy when we arrived and he offered to take us to a great place for dancing that night and we accepted. But first we had to go to his home where he proceeded to show us pictures of his brother and sister who had married Tubabs (white people). Im not sure why he did this, maybe to demonstrate that he was down with that sort of thing. I wonder what he told his family before I came over. Something along the lines of "be extra nice to this one. Shes the next white person in the family and my ticket out of the country" essentially.
After meeting the fam (which was enormous by the way, there were atleast 20 people there and they werent having a family reuninon) we went dancing at this really fantastic place. Essentially it was a courtyard with a stage and a platform for the dj with lots of tables around the stage. It was outside and the weather was beautiful with a full moon. I learned a couple of new dances and generally had a lovely time (aside from trying to fight off the advances of my new beach boy friend who claimed he would die for me). Highlight of the evening was speaking French, Spanish, English, and Wolof within 5 minutes.

The best part of the night though was when we were taking a cab home. I felt as though I were in Minnesota in the middle of winter even though I couldnt have been further from it. You see, on many roads in smaller senegalese towns there is very deep sand. THe cab driver made the mistake of turning onto one of these roads which turned out to be impassable for a cab. It took 6 men 20 minutes to dig the car out of the sand because the driver had gotten himself so stuck. while I probably shouldnt have been lauging as they were working to get the car unstuck I couldnt help myself.

And then we returned to this in Dakar... I tried to get a picture of the neon green stream but I missed it.

Random thoughts: I was just at the "cobbler" ie a stand on the street which repairs shoes and just got a leather shoe repaired to the tune of 150 cfa which equals about 30 cents... At Bear Shoe Works in Souptown that wouldhave no doubt cost me 5 to 10 dollars. I should have brought all of my broken stuff here.




Im going to a conference for Senegalese women dentists this weekend and am pretty terrified actually. I think thta it will be a rather intimidating experience. The biggest thing that I regret about which I can do abslutely nothing is the fact that I havent had any dental training yet. It is very hard to work in such a specific field when i dont have a very solid base of dental knowledge. I wonder what people think when I tell them Im studying dentistry but have yet to even begin any training? OH well. Another intersting note, and something which actually kind of pissed me off. There were two prices for the conference tickets: one was 40 dollars for dentists and the other was 30 dollars for students (ie me), assistants, and other (ie me). I asked the woman whom I purchased the ticket from if I was considerred a student and she gave me this questioning look and said oh no I think its better if you pay the 40... okay, I didnt really appreciate that. I feel selfish saying this but granted while in comparison to the majority of people here I am very very wealthy, I am really not. I hate how everyone assumes thta I just have money to throw around because Im American. Yes clearly i have to have the means to actually be here but that doesnt mean that I didnt work my butt off to earn money to be here and can pay whatever sum of money necessary. Sorry I needed to vent.